TPP #179- Matt O Neil, Breaking Free from Fear and Guilt: Steps to Personal Growth

James: 00:00:00

James.

James: 00:00:00

You like to go by James or Jimbo?

Jimbo: 00:00:03

Well, you could just call me Jimbo.

James: 00:00:05

Jimbo.

Jimbo: 00:00:07

So can you kind of begin by telling me a bit about yourself, who you are, what you're about, what your message is?

James: 00:00:14

Yeah, man, I freaking love being happy and teaching people how to be happier, authentically happier.

James: 00:00:21

And this isn't like a fake happiness where we just smile and pretend everything's okay when inside we're, like, not feeling good at all.

James: 00:00:30

It's more about dealing with the eight negative emotions that get in the way of our joy.

James: 00:00:35

And I've got this mission because, man, I wasn't always happy.

James: 00:00:40

And when I wasn't happy is when I was causing destruction in my life and in the lives of other people.

James: 00:00:46

And it's kind of the same thing.

James: 00:00:48

As soon as I figured out how I could get out of the funk and start being a happier human being, I started being kinder and started making the world a better place.

James: 00:00:56

And I'm like, we could stop hurting each other if we all just learned this.

James: 00:01:02

And so now I teach it.

Jimbo: 00:01:05

So what are the eight negative emotions?

James: 00:01:08

Yeah, man, the eight negative emotions.

James: 00:01:10

There's only eight of them, Jimbo.

James: 00:01:13

I'm sure you could guess a few of them.

James: 00:01:15

What are a few negative emotions that you could think of?

Jimbo: 00:01:19

Anger.

James: 00:01:20

Yeah, anger.

James: 00:01:20

That's one of them.

James: 00:01:24

Jealousy.

James: 00:01:25

Yeah.

James: 00:01:26

Jealousy falls into pride.

James: 00:01:28

So it's just so pride and jealousy.

James: 00:01:30

You know, we're prideful, but we're also.

James: 00:01:33

At the same time, we could be envious of other people that have more than us.

James: 00:01:37

And pride is an interesting one because we think it's a positive thing.

James: 00:01:41

But when we're living prideful and arrogant, we're also very vulnerable and insecure.

James: 00:01:45

It's not a very lasting happiness place to be.

James: 00:01:49

My daughter this morning, interestingly enough, you bring up jealousy.

James: 00:01:53

I was heaping on praise on her sister, and she got all bent out of shape, and she wouldn't even look at her mom or me as we took her to school this morning because that jealousy was so strong.

James: 00:02:07

And I'm like, well, it's the opportunity for me right now to teach her that when.

James: 00:02:12

When we're jealous of someone else, we're wishing worse for them.

James: 00:02:17

We don't want them to have more than us, so we actually want them to have less.

James: 00:02:20

But whatever we want for other people is what we get ourselves.

James: 00:02:24

So when I learned that thing, I was like, it makes no sense to be jealous of anyone ever.

James: 00:02:30

What I need to do is be very grateful and appreciative.

James: 00:02:32

That they're doing so well.

James: 00:02:34

And as I see their greatness, that then opens up greatness within me.

James: 00:02:38

And I do, and I do better.

James: 00:02:39

So she's eleven, and we'll see how well I can do getting that, getting that message to her this afternoon.

Jimbo: 00:02:48

So would you consider yourself a grateful and appreciative person?

James: 00:02:52

Oh, absolutely, man.

James: 00:02:54

But it's okay.

James: 00:02:56

I'm a human being, and the human mind is constantly negative.

James: 00:03:02

It's like its job.

James: 00:03:03

Its job is to find everything that's wrong.

James: 00:03:06

So gratitude is not a place that we reach.

James: 00:03:09

Gratitude is a practice.

James: 00:03:11

And it's just like happiness.

James: 00:03:13

Happiness is a skill.

James: 00:03:14

Gratitude is a skill.

James: 00:03:16

If we stop doing any skill, like, let's say we used to be very good at basketball and then we stopped playing for ten years.

James: 00:03:22

We go to shoot a basketball.

James: 00:03:24

Yeah, we're probably better than somebody who's never played, but we're not at an elite level anymore.

James: 00:03:29

So it's the same thing with gratitude.

James: 00:03:31

We don't reach gratitude.

James: 00:03:33

We can get really good at it.

James: 00:03:34

But if we stop practicing, just like if we stop practicing anything, the skill gets weaker and weaker.

James: 00:03:40

So it's something we want to practice every day.

Jimbo: 00:03:44

And how do you practice gratitude?

James: 00:03:47

Man, thank you for asking.

James: 00:03:49

Is it great?

James: 00:03:50

I love to give.

James: 00:03:50

Like real, like, what can we do?

James: 00:03:52

What can we do today to be happier?

James: 00:03:54

Gratitude is one of, we all hear it.

James: 00:03:57

Like, oh, yeah.

James: 00:03:57

Okay.

James: 00:03:58

Keep a gratitude journal.

James: 00:03:59

Well, here's some simple ways to practice gratitude.

James: 00:04:04

You know, I watch tv at night.

James: 00:04:06

We like to watch Saturday Night Live, and we'll watch some different Netflix shows.

James: 00:04:11

And sometimes they're stressful, right?

James: 00:04:13

And sometimes I'll have stressful dreams.

James: 00:04:16

And you wake up and your mind sometimes can be, like, stressed out.

James: 00:04:21

It is.

James: 00:04:22

It's just the way it is.

James: 00:04:23

You wake up, we can be negative.

James: 00:04:24

We can be stressed out.

James: 00:04:25

So I want to start every day on the right foot.

James: 00:04:28

I mean, literally.

James: 00:04:29

So what I say, as soon as my feet hit the ground, I've just, I've just conditioned this as a habit.

James: 00:04:35

My first foot hits the ground, I say thank, and my second foot hits the ground, and I say, you.

James: 00:04:40

And then all through the house, I'm saying, thank you.

James: 00:04:43

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

James: 00:04:44

So the very first words I'm intentionally thinking and saying are gratitude.

James: 00:04:50

This is an awesome, easy practice.

James: 00:04:52

It takes no energy, it takes no time.

James: 00:04:55

I just taped it.

James: 00:04:56

I wrote thank you on a piece of paper and taped it to the floor next to my bed.

James: 00:05:00

It's been there for a decade.

James: 00:05:01

lone concert last night until: 12:00

James: 00:05:10

You know, just, just kind of disjointed sleep.

James: 00:05:12

And yet, first things out of my mouth, thank you.

James: 00:05:15

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

James: 00:05:17

And it's just like, it sets the tone.

James: 00:05:19

Another really easy way to put gratitude in.

James: 00:05:23

You know, when I was growing up, we didn't say a prayer before we ate.

James: 00:05:27

I do now before I eat anything, breakfast, lunch, a snack, dinner, I just say thank you for this food.

James: 00:05:36

There are people out there that don't have food right now.

James: 00:05:39

There are people out there that don't know where their next meal is coming from.

James: 00:05:41

There's many of them, millions and millions and millions of people that don't know where their food's coming from.

James: 00:05:46

Thank you for this food right here.

James: 00:05:47

Thank you for earlier today.

James: 00:05:49

Thank you for my family.

James: 00:05:50

Thank you for this life.

James: 00:05:51

Amen.

James: 00:05:52

Let's eat.

James: 00:05:53

And so that's, that turns into if we have three meals a day or we wake up saying thank you, there's four different times we practice gratitude.

James: 00:06:00

But Jimbo, how much time does it take to do those four things?

James: 00:06:05

Maybe a minute each.

Jimbo: 00:06:11

You mentioned how much time, but we sort of live in this society now, wherever.

Jimbo: 00:06:15

There never is enough time.

James: 00:06:17

Right?

James: 00:06:18

Right.

James: 00:06:19

It's an illusion.

James: 00:06:21

It's an illusion.

James: 00:06:22

But I need to create ways that we can do this in very short packets of time.

James: 00:06:28

Because the illusion is that there's not enough time.

James: 00:06:30

In fact, there's eternal amount of time.

James: 00:06:34

We are in eternity right now.

James: 00:06:36

This present moment never actually ends ever after this life, it doesn't end during this life.

James: 00:06:42

We're just part of this eternal present moment.

James: 00:06:45

You try to figure out when this moment is going to stop.

James: 00:06:51

We can't.

James: 00:06:52

The present moment actually never stops.

James: 00:06:56

So there's an abundance of time.

James: 00:06:58

There's actually an infinite amount of time.

James: 00:07:01

And so this idea that there's not enough time is an illusion, but I have to live within the reality of illusions.

James: 00:07:07

And so that's why I'm like four minutes a day.

James: 00:07:10

You can have four concrete ways to put gratitude in.

James: 00:07:14

Just if the person listening just does this one thing, just.

James: 00:07:18

All right, I'm going to do those four pieces of gratitude Matt talked about.

James: 00:07:22

Your whole life will change.

Jimbo: 00:07:31

Would you?

Jimbo: 00:07:33

You are someone that likes to stay in the present.

James: 00:07:36

Yes.

James: 00:07:39

Jimbo, man, just your vibe, your energy tells me that you like to stay in the present.

Jimbo: 00:07:49

Explain a bit more why.

James: 00:07:52

So the present is our point of power.

James: 00:07:57

It's the only moment that we can ever actually live, and it's the only moment that we can feel happy.

James: 00:08:04

If we are not present, we're stuck in the thoughts of the past.

James: 00:08:09

And typically those are ruminating thoughts about how things didn't go the way we wanted them to or how we could have done something better or said something better.

James: 00:08:17

And so typically, when we're thinking about the past, unless we're doing it intentionally, and I recommend it, if we're unintentionally in the thoughts of the past, it's typically negative and unhappy.

James: 00:08:27

We cannot be having negative thoughts and be happy at the same time or again unless we're intentional.

James: 00:08:36

We're thinking about the future in a negative way.

James: 00:08:38

We're anxious about it, we're fearful about what's going to go wrong.

James: 00:08:41

And if you kind of.

James: 00:08:42

If you start to watch this, your mind is always like, doing, what's next?

James: 00:08:47

What's next?

James: 00:08:48

What's next?

James: 00:08:49

We could actually be in a really pleasurable moment, like right now.

James: 00:08:52

Talking with you, being here with you is really awesome for me, somebody that's out here making such a big difference with your podcast.

James: 00:09:00

But if I'm not present to it, I could be thinking about the stuff I have going on later today and then what I'm going to make for dinner and all these different plans, and I never actually lived.

James: 00:09:11

So we want to learn how to be present because joy is accessed in the present.

James: 00:09:16

There's no such thing as joy in the future because the future, you can't even get to it.

James: 00:09:20

It's always now.

James: 00:09:21

But I want to drive this point home a little bit further in a different way.

James: 00:09:26

The mind, like, puts a carrot in front of us and it says, hey, if you just do these things, I'll let you be joyful later.

James: 00:09:37

It's a crazy trick.

James: 00:09:39

It's a crazy trick because we can only be joyful now.

James: 00:09:42

So this idea that if we just grind out and get this work done, if I'll just suffer through this now, this moment, which is the only moment that exists, if I just suffer through this moment and don't be joyful, then I'll get to be happy.

James: 00:09:56

Well, you'll just fall for it again.

James: 00:09:58

Once you get through this grinding season or whatever.

James: 00:10:02

Today, this grind, this grind next week, the grind next month, we'll get into next year.

James: 00:10:06

When we think we're now, we get allowed to be happy because we finally accomplished that big goal and because we didn't learn to be happy in the now, when we get to that new future.

James: 00:10:16

Now we'll just fall for the same trick.

James: 00:10:18

Okay, well, now I have to get through this thing, and then I'll be happy.

James: 00:10:21

And pretty soon, we'll end up figuring out that we just got through our whole life until we died, and we never learned how to be happy in the now.

James: 00:10:28

So being present is crucial.

James: 00:10:30

I recommend meditation.

James: 00:10:32

And it's not complicated, it's not hard.

James: 00:10:34

It's just taking deep, intentional breaths, noticing that the present moment is a joyful moment.

James: 00:10:40

That's one of my phrases I say to myself all the time.

James: 00:10:43

I am entering this present moment, and I'm noticing it is a wonderful moment.

James: 00:10:49

And that's a pretty joyful practice.

James: 00:10:57

So, speaking of practices.

Jimbo: 00:11:01

What do you essentially teach your clients or your fan base to practice in general?

Jimbo: 00:11:09

How do you teach them this?

James: 00:11:13

Yeah, the very first thing.

James: 00:11:14

Great question.

James: 00:11:15

The very first thing is we have to become aware until we become aware of the emotions that we're feeling in at a high level, until we can, like, really become aware.

James: 00:11:28

As we're changing these emotions and they change all the time, multiple times throughout the day, we are living asleep.

James: 00:11:36

And so the first step is we need to wake up.

James: 00:11:39

And the wake up is, I no longer want to live asleep.

James: 00:11:43

I want to be aware of when the emotion of anger is coming up or when the emotion of anxiety is coming up, or when the emotion of sadness or hopelessness or overwhelm or shame or guilt or pride or lust.

James: 00:11:55

I want to be aware of when these negative emotions are showing up.

James: 00:11:57

So awareness is the first step.

James: 00:12:01

Until somebody has the desire to be happy, like a true internal desire, where they're like, I no longer want to suffer.

James: 00:12:10

I can't actually help them.

James: 00:12:12

It's only when they say, no, I actually want to be happy.

James: 00:12:16

I want to be happier.

James: 00:12:18

I want to figure this out.

James: 00:12:19

I've suffered long enough.

James: 00:12:20

As soon as somebody is at that point, I say, great, your happiness is inevitable.

James: 00:12:25

Because if your desire is strong, then you can learn the method.

James: 00:12:29

It's not complicated at all.

James: 00:12:32

It's just that desire, that desire that I want to be happy has to be really strong.

James: 00:12:36

And once it is, then the method is really simple.

James: 00:12:39

There's only eight negative moods.

James: 00:12:41

We've talked about a couple of them, but those are shame, guilt, hopelessness, sadness, fear, lust, anger, and desire.

James: 00:12:50

And then any other kind of negative mood will file into one of those eight categories.

James: 00:12:55

So we just have to become aware.

James: 00:12:57

Okay, I'm starting to be judgmental.

James: 00:13:00

That's guilt.

James: 00:13:01

As soon as we're starting to judge or criticize somebody.

James: 00:13:03

It's our own guilt.

James: 00:13:04

Okay, what do we teach about guilt?

James: 00:13:07

Well, when I'm judging and criticizing, I can't be hateful and grateful at the same time.

James: 00:13:12

Right?

James: 00:13:12

So I can't be judging and happy at the same time.

James: 00:13:15

Those two things cannot exist.

James: 00:13:17

So do I want happiness at a high level, or do I want to continue to judge and be right about my resentments?

James: 00:13:26

There's no.

James: 00:13:26

I don't fault anyone for choosing to want to judge and be hateful.

James: 00:13:31

That's.

James: 00:13:32

They're just learning a lesson.

James: 00:13:34

We're on an eternal timeline, so maybe we need to spend 40 years being hateful and judgmental and, like, saying that the republican party is evil or the Democrat party is awful or that this certain race is terrible or whatever it is that they want to be hateful about and judgy about.

James: 00:13:52

Ultimately, karma is real.

James: 00:13:54

So any hate we spread, we get back, and then that lesson eventually will just be learned through hard punishment and consequence, because.

James: 00:14:05

And we're like, okay, finally we might say, I want it to stop.

James: 00:14:10

I want to be happy.

James: 00:14:11

And then as soon as we're kind and loving and accepting and compassionate, what comes back to us?

James: 00:14:17

Kindness and love and acceptance and compassion, and our life becomes really beautiful.

Jimbo: 00:14:28

How do you maintain this type of mindset even with these types of things going on?

Jimbo: 00:14:37

Because even with the news now, with constant back and forth, including wars in general, consuming all this media, how do you expose yourself to this and still maintain this mindset that you have?

James: 00:14:59

There was a book called the little Book of Joy that was written by the Dalai Lama in Desmond Tutu.

James: 00:15:06

Archbishop Desmond Tutu.

James: 00:15:08

And I listened to it on audio, and Archbishop Desmond Tutu has seen just awful things in South Africa and hate between races.

James: 00:15:22

And he also, while he's recording his book, is going through prostate cancer treatments and chemo.

James: 00:15:28

And in the Dalai Lama is somebody that sees the suffering in the world that has so much compassion.

James: 00:15:34

Man, these two guys, they were laughing and cutting up the whole book.

James: 00:15:41

They're just talking to each other as they're experiencing the suffering of the world.

James: 00:15:45

They see the suffering of the world.

James: 00:15:47

In fact, Desmond Tutu is going through actual physical suffering, and yet they're seeing the world with all this joy and all this lightness.

James: 00:15:54

And it's because when we really, like, learn how to transcend our own suffering, then we feel obligated or compelled or inspired to teach that to others, because suffering is a choice.

James: 00:16:09

And I can see somebody going through a really hard time.

James: 00:16:12

And physical pain is real.

James: 00:16:14

Pain is real.

James: 00:16:15

We can't deny that there's pain.

James: 00:16:17

However, we don't have to suffer.

James: 00:16:20

Nelson Mandela was wrongfully imprisoned for 27 years of his life for no reason.

James: 00:16:27

And in prison, he found joy.

James: 00:16:31

Not at first, right?

James: 00:16:32

I don't know how many years he had to suffer from feeling like, this is wrong and this shouldn't be happening.

James: 00:16:36

But in prison, his joy came from absolute compassion and forgiveness for his persecutors, from the people who were wrongfully imprisoning him.

James: 00:16:46

And through that came his power.

James: 00:16:48

So happiness and joy is actually power.

James: 00:16:52

And we can see the wrongs in the world and yet not be dragged down because we're choosing to have joy.

James: 00:16:59

Joy is a choice.

James: 00:17:01

And as we choose to have joy, we can actually make a huge impact.

James: 00:17:03

Look at what Nelson Mandela did when he came out.

James: 00:17:06

His quote when he came out of prison was, he said, if I didn't leave my resentment behind, I was going to stay in prison in my own mind.

Jimbo: 00:17:24

And he's right, because that prison wouldn't have been the physical prison, but the prison of himself.

James: 00:17:31

And that's what all suffering is.

James: 00:17:33

Suffering.

James: 00:17:34

Pain is inevitable.

James: 00:17:35

We're all going to get sick.

James: 00:17:36

We're all going to die.

James: 00:17:37

We're all going to have family members we love get sick and die.

James: 00:17:40

Pain is inevitable, but suffering is completely optional.

James: 00:17:44

So I can see people who are having, experiencing physical pain or who are going through very hard times.

James: 00:17:51

You know, we've got different places in war zones.

James: 00:17:54

We've got children that are starving in our streets.

James: 00:17:56

We've got people that are killing each other in our towns, right?

James: 00:17:59

There are people in my town.

James: 00:18:01

If you go and look at how many people are starving in your town, it's thousands.

James: 00:18:04

In every single town in the United States, there are thousands of people who don't have enough food today.

James: 00:18:09

We can know that suffering is real.

James: 00:18:11

I'm part of make a wish.

James: 00:18:13

I'm on the board of make a wish.

James: 00:18:14

I see little kids with cancer diagnosis.

James: 00:18:16

I talk to their parents who are sleeping on hospital beds.

James: 00:18:19

I know the suffering is there, and yet I want compassion, love and kindness.

James: 00:18:25

And then to say, if I fall into the darkness of suffering and despair and say, what's the point of it?

James: 00:18:31

And then I get depressed, I'm not doing the people who are suffering any good.

James: 00:18:38

But if I pull myself up and say, hey, my joy is my light.

James: 00:18:43

And as I enter this present moment joyfully and saying, thank you, God, for the opportunity to be alive today, thank you for the lessons I can learn from the hardships of the world.

James: 00:18:52

Now my light can pull up others.

James: 00:18:55

And these little kids, when they get a wish, man, they are full of hope.

James: 00:18:59

And hope heals.

James: 00:19:02

There's something called the placebo effect.

James: 00:19:03

We all know of 33% of patients, in all the studies of the placebo effect.

James: 00:19:09

I just was reading again about the placebo effect this morning.

James: 00:19:12

There was a surgeon who had 180 patients, 60 of them, he just put fake cuts.

James: 00:19:19

He, like, cut their leg around their knee pain and then just sewed it back up and didn't do any surgery.

James: 00:19:24

Sick mu know.

James: 00:19:25

So one third of the patients, he just did a placebo surgery, and they got just as good.

James: 00:19:32

The percentage of the people that said their knee pain went completely away was just as high as the ones he did the actual surgery on.

James: 00:19:38

And so his point after that whole thing was, it is the emotion of hope that heals us.

James: 00:19:46

And when you're surrounded, when you're in front of someone who's super joyful in the face of adversity, it gives you hope and then your own hope.

James: 00:19:55

This feeling of man life could be really amazing.

James: 00:19:59

That's what elevates us above our circumstances.

Jimbo: 00:20:06

What types of suffering do you personally overcome?

James: 00:20:12

All eight bad moods, man.

James: 00:20:15

And deep.

James: 00:20:16

Like, I was raised by a father who was.

James: 00:20:21

Yeah.

James: 00:20:22

Who had enormous shame.

James: 00:20:25

Like, shame to such a high degree.

James: 00:20:27

He thought he was completely undeserving of love.

James: 00:20:30

And that's where the most awful acts of humanity come from.

James: 00:20:33

Because when we think we're undeserving of love, we then go out to prove to the world that we are undeserving of love.

James: 00:20:39

And we push away everybody that would care about us, including our own children, our own spouse.

James: 00:20:44

And ultimately, he ended up abandoning our family.

James: 00:20:47

When I was five and my mom was just a secretary, there's four kids.

James: 00:20:57

My dad wouldn't pay child support because he literally couldn't care about anybody beyond himself.

James: 00:21:02

And we'd go to the grocery store, and my mom would hand me a calculator and say, we got dollar 25.

James: 00:21:08

When I put things in the cart, add them up, and I would add them up, and then we'd get to the end of the line, and she'd be like, okay, take this back.

James: 00:21:15

Take this back.

James: 00:21:15

Take this back.

James: 00:21:17

And it was just heavy for me.

James: 00:21:20

And as a little kid, six years old, I told my teacher I was going to kill myself.

James: 00:21:26

And as a little kid, having that kind of pressure on you and a dad that keeps telling you that you're not good enough, and he told me, hey, it's your fault that we're divorced.

James: 00:21:35

I need you to get us back together.

James: 00:21:37

And, like, as a kid, you also believe you're adults, right?

James: 00:21:40

You believe that it's my fault here that they broke up, and then now I have to get them back together.

James: 00:21:45

And it was an impossible task, and so I failed at that.

James: 00:21:48

And so just a deep amount of self hatred showed up in me.

James: 00:21:53

And then in my teens, all of it, the angst, the anger, the pride, the arrogance, the lust and the desire, and went into daily substance abuse just trying to shut it all off.

James: 00:22:06

And what's cool about going through hardship is that when you do and you get out of it, you now aren't judgy about anybody.

James: 00:22:16

Like anyone that has an addiction problem, man, I can empathize.

James: 00:22:20

I know what you're going through.

James: 00:22:21

It's a hard.

James: 00:22:22

It's a hard place, but you want to feel good.

James: 00:22:25

That's why we're doing addictions.

James: 00:22:26

We want to feel better.

James: 00:22:28

So even though I've gone through some hardship, I think it was all necessary for me to be able to actually help people that are going through hardship.

Jimbo: 00:22:42

Is shame one of the eight negative.

James: 00:22:48

What was it?

Jimbo: 00:22:48

Things that you could encounter, too?

James: 00:22:50

Yeah, it's the worst.

James: 00:22:52

It's the worst of the eight.

James: 00:22:55

If you think of the monster, like the monster, the worst of the worst acts, it all comes from the emotion of shame, and it's not a truth, but it happens, typically, because at a young age, something happens to us and we think, I don't deserve to be loved.

James: 00:23:16

I'm not as good as other people.

James: 00:23:18

There's something wrong with me.

James: 00:23:20

These are the lies of shame.

James: 00:23:22

But whatever we believe, even if it's subconscious and we don't know that we're believing it, we have to prove.

James: 00:23:28

So our mind is constantly trying to prove that our beliefs are correct.

James: 00:23:32

So if we have a belief that we.

James: 00:23:34

That we're awful or we're worthless, we are then going to make acts showing the world that we are awful and worthless, and we're going to ob our actions that are awful, we, at our core, are not awful.

James: 00:23:48

We just don't know it.

James: 00:23:50

We're believing a lie that we are.

James: 00:23:52

But then our actions are doing awful things, and people have to say that we're awful so that it confirms our belief that we're awful.

James: 00:23:58

We're never awful.

James: 00:23:59

It's just a lie, and it's a lie of shame.

James: 00:24:02

How we counter it is we have to go.

James: 00:24:04

We have to ask ourselves, what are these lies I'm believing about myself?

James: 00:24:09

You know, I had hard times when I was growing up.

James: 00:24:11

All of us have go back into those hard times and say, when that thing happened, what did I.

James: 00:24:16

What belief did I take out about myself?

James: 00:24:18

Did I think that I was damaged?

James: 00:24:19

Did I think that I wasn't as good as the other people?

James: 00:24:22

Did I think something's wrong with me.

James: 00:24:24

Write out those sentences that come from asking ourself, what do we believe?

James: 00:24:28

And then just write what we want to believe next to it.

James: 00:24:32

A belief is never true.

James: 00:24:34

It's just not.

James: 00:24:35

There's no such thing, actually as a true belief, but it's just a belief that we think is true.

James: 00:24:40

And so we can reprogram any belief with a positive belief just by having repetition.

James: 00:24:46

That's it.

James: 00:24:47

So there was a lot of repetition with this belief in me that I didn't deserve love.

James: 00:24:51

I kept thinking it subconsciously, over and over and over and over for, you know, 25, 30 years.

James: 00:24:57

And then once I found it and I said, I'm more than deserving of love, and I used affirmations to reprogram that belief, it didn't take long.

James: 00:25:05

Just a few months before that belief was more powerful.

James: 00:25:08

And then I started to act in ways that were deserving of love.

Jimbo: 00:25:17

And does this deserving of have any similarity to someone who actually wants to be happy?

Jimbo: 00:25:24

This was something we discussed.

James: 00:25:27

Yes.

James: 00:25:28

Yeah, absolutely.

James: 00:25:29

So is that the.

James: 00:25:31

What's holding us back from happiness is our own ability to know that we're completely lovable as we are, and our degree of happiness will only be as high as our degree of our ability to feel loved.

James: 00:25:50

So if we only allow ourselves to feel loved, like, at 70%, our happiness is capped at 70%.

James: 00:25:56

If we allow ourselves to feel loved at 90%, like, hey, I feel like everything I do is lovable, except for a few things, then our ability to be happy is capped at 90%.

James: 00:26:07

When we finally get to 100% and is really hard to do, we can we finally say, I am deserving of love at all times, even the times I do the wrong thing and say the wrong thing or hurt someone's feelings.

James: 00:26:21

I'm just a human being, and all humans are here because of the love of God.

James: 00:26:26

The whole fabric of the universe is made of love.

James: 00:26:29

Anything, any mistakes I make or just learning opportunities.

James: 00:26:32

Everyone makes mistakes.

James: 00:26:33

They all learn.

James: 00:26:34

I'm part of it.

James: 00:26:35

I love myself as I'm making mistakes and as I'm learning.

James: 00:26:38

It's part of my journey.

James: 00:26:39

It's why I'm here.

James: 00:26:40

Once we get to that level of self love, our happiness is unlimited.

Jimbo: 00:26:54

So, do you think you have unlimited happiness?

James: 00:26:58

I'm working on it.

James: 00:27:02

It's like a mountain without a top.

James: 00:27:04

So, there are still times that I make a mistake and think, man, I could have done better, which is a lie.

James: 00:27:13

We can't do better than we actually.

James: 00:27:15

Than we actually do at every moment.

James: 00:27:17

We're doing the best we can.

James: 00:27:20

And so there are still times when I do something wrong or it's, you know, make.

James: 00:27:26

Make an error, hurt somebody's feelings, say the wrong thing, lose my temper, and then think, mandy, I could have done that better.

James: 00:27:35

And so I'm still working on it, man.

James: 00:27:37

But that's kind of the fun of it, too.

James: 00:27:39

I think that.

James: 00:27:40

I think that we.

James: 00:27:43

I don't think we would have been born here if we had already mastered that.

James: 00:27:49

I do think that's what we're here for.

James: 00:27:51

We're here to learn that as soon as we make the loving choice, a million times out of a million, we will no longer be here.

Jimbo: 00:28:11

Speaking of the loving choice, what happens once these clients of yours make this love interest?

James: 00:28:23

I celebrate them.

Jimbo: 00:28:26

Good job talk.

James: 00:28:29

That was awesome.

James: 00:28:31

And celebration is really fun, too.

James: 00:28:33

It's really joyful.

James: 00:28:34

So we want to celebrate more and more and more in our life, and, you know, one of the easiest ways that we can start to make loving choices more often is by making some type of a public proclamation.

James: 00:28:49

So, for me, I put the word kindness on the wall of my office.

James: 00:28:54

You walk into my office, and it says kindness on the wall, really big in red letters.

James: 00:29:00

And in everyone I work with, I say, hey.

James: 00:29:02

The core value that defines our company is kindness.

James: 00:29:07

That public proclamation that kindness is the way that we work, then, is going to guide the way that I act so that when somebody is unkind toward me, which is often.

James: 00:29:17

And, you know, just because of the world, right.

James: 00:29:19

We see it.

James: 00:29:20

We look at the news.

James: 00:29:20

People aren't kind a lot.

James: 00:29:22

Well, in business, people aren't kind a lot.

James: 00:29:24

And then they use the excuse.

James: 00:29:25

They're like, oh, it's just business.

James: 00:29:27

It's just business.

James: 00:29:27

You know, it's not just business, man.

James: 00:29:30

It's life.

James: 00:29:31

You know, how you act in business is how you act at home.

James: 00:29:33

So it's your life here.

James: 00:29:35

So when they choose to act unkind and I have this proclamation that kindness is the way that I work, it's easier for me to make the kind choice.

James: 00:29:46

Well, at my house, with my kids, and with my wife, I've got O'Neal virtues.

James: 00:29:51

There's five of them.

James: 00:29:52

The first one is O'Neill's are kind.

James: 00:29:55

Now, sometimes my kids aren't kind.

James: 00:29:57

Sometimes I'm not kind.

James: 00:29:58

Sometimes my wife isn't kind.

James: 00:30:00

Sometimes we're tired, right?

James: 00:30:01

This is just the way the world works.

James: 00:30:03

And yet, on the wall, O'Neill's are kind is the first thing.

James: 00:30:08

So when we.

James: 00:30:09

When we veer from it, we can come back to it, because we've made a proclamation to each other that this is the way we're going to choose to be.

James: 00:30:16

I think setting core values at work is important.

James: 00:30:18

I think setting core values at home is important.

James: 00:30:20

I think having personal core core values of personal code is an important thing.

James: 00:30:26

Ultimately, I don't want someone to feel bad when they make a mistake.

James: 00:30:32

Making a mistake is just normal.

James: 00:30:34

It's part of being human.

James: 00:30:36

I would say the only time that we should really feel bad is when we have compromised our core value and say, I didn't live according to my values.

James: 00:30:45

And now how can I get back to those?

Jimbo: 00:30:52

When it comes to core values, what I feel like you're describing.

James: 00:30:59

Why do.

Jimbo: 00:30:59

You think so much people today struggle with integrity.

James: 00:31:06

Integrity is another one of the five values of the company that I work with.

James: 00:31:11

And there was a guy named David Hawkins who wrote a book called power Versus force.

James: 00:31:16

And David claims that he had a scientific method, I believe he does, where he could identify the level of consciousness of humanity throughout time.

James: 00:31:30

And integrity is the line.

James: 00:31:34

If you're living a life in integrity, you're actually above the line.

James: 00:31:40

So if you're living a life without integrity, or even your integrity gets compromised on a semi consistent basis, you're below the line of what he would say is a good life.

James: 00:31:53

78% of the world.

James: 00:31:56

He died in, like,: 2015

James: 00:32:00

When he died, 78% of the world was below the line of integrity.

James: 00:32:04

Only 22% of humans were living a life of integrity.

James: 00:32:11

That, to me, is fascinating.

James: 00:32:13

I do happen to believe the statistics because I know his scientific method, because I've read his books, and I've verified him doing my own testing the way that he describes it.

James: 00:32:23

So, you know, but his.

James: 00:32:26

Another view here is that there's nothing wrong with the 78% of the humans that are not living above integrity.

James: 00:32:35

On an eternal view, they have eternity to get better.

James: 00:32:39

What if they're just young souls?

James: 00:32:42

And that part of the process of becoming an old soul or someone who's very kind is that you have to live lots of time being unkind to figure out that that wasn't actually a cool way to be.

James: 00:32:54

And so what if it's all just part of their curriculum and their journey, and that there's really no problem with being below integrity.

James: 00:33:01

And then if we are living above integrity, we're happy.

James: 00:33:05

If we're below integrity, we're not happy.

James: 00:33:08

But if we're above integrity, we could be truly, authentically happy.

James: 00:33:11

Because now we know my actions towards others, or at least my intention towards others, was pure and kind, and that I don't have any anxiety that the future is going to be, like, obscured or I'm going to get hurt for some more unforeseen reason, because I've created no negative karma.

James: 00:33:29

When we're living below integrity, like, let's say we're at the store and they don't ring up something at the bottom of our cart, and it was an expensive item, like a couple hundred bucks.

James: 00:33:40

And we get to the car and we're like, all right, I could just put this in my car right now.

James: 00:33:47

And I.

James: 00:33:48

And I got.

James: 00:33:48

I got away with one, right?

James: 00:33:51

I don't have to pay for it.

James: 00:33:52

And so we put it in our car there.

James: 00:33:54

Our subconscious keeps the score.

James: 00:33:57

Our subconscious knows we did something wrong that we've taken, that we've actually stolen from somebody, even though it was.

James: 00:34:04

We could justify it.

James: 00:34:06

Our mind will justify and say it was their mistake.

James: 00:34:08

They missed it.

James: 00:34:09

This is part of the cost of them doing business.

James: 00:34:11

Like I said, that line that it's just business.

James: 00:34:13

It's not just business.

James: 00:34:14

Everything's personal.

James: 00:34:16

And so our subconscious will know that we've stolen.

James: 00:34:19

And because our subconscious sees that we've stolen, this is how I believe karma works.

James: 00:34:24

Our subconscious will have to make it up in some way.

James: 00:34:27

And the guilt that we have about stealing will then show up in the form of maybe an accident or of giving money away to somebody else because we make, you know, just because we have to even the score.

James: 00:34:39

So when we live below integrity, we're constantly having our subconscious keeping a negative tally on us and having to get even with ourselves and mess our own life up.

James: 00:34:50

And so we always have this anxiety that things are going to go wrong when we finally stop it.

James: 00:34:55

And we're like, I'm choosing a life of integrity no matter what.

James: 00:35:00

Even if there's a can of soup below my cart that they didn't ring up and it's $0.99, I'm going to run back in the.

James: 00:35:06

Even if we're late, I'm gonna run back in, put a dollar on the counter and say, I'm so sorry, this can didn't get scanned, and then run back to the car.

James: 00:35:14

And that's a.

James: 00:35:14

That's a story that happened.

James: 00:35:15

My wife and I, we were late, and they missed a can of soup.

James: 00:35:18

And I'm like, no, Katie, integrity is too important.

James: 00:35:23

I ran in and gave a dollar, but it's because I know how it works.

James: 00:35:28

And how it works is you don't get away with anything.

James: 00:35:31

No.

James: 00:35:32

It's like the Bible says.

James: 00:35:34

Every single hair is counted.

James: 00:35:35

How is every single hair counted?

James: 00:35:37

The Bible also says that there's the Holy Spirit that lives with us, and the Holy Spirit is our connection with God, and it's with us at all times.

James: 00:35:45

That means anything.

James: 00:35:46

We see, the Holy Spirit sees, which means God sees it.

James: 00:35:50

That's how every single hair is counted, every single deed is accounted for.

James: 00:35:54

We can get away with nothing.

James: 00:35:56

So all of these people that are, like, greedy, these companies that are greedy, that are taking advantage of the earth for their own gain, they're getting away with nothing.

James: 00:36:05

The karma of their own choices are going to come back to them in the future.

James: 00:36:09

And so, long story short, integrity is the foundation of happiness.

James: 00:36:13

We can't be happy without it.

James: 00:36:20

Do you think guilt is a good or bad?

James: 00:36:23

Oh, it's terrible.

James: 00:36:24

It's the worst.

James: 00:36:26

The second worst.

James: 00:36:28

Shame is the worst.

James: 00:36:29

Guilt is the second worst.

James: 00:36:31

Everything has a healthy form.

James: 00:36:34

Like, there's a reason for it.

James: 00:36:37

But here, I'll tell you a little story about guilt.

James: 00:36:42

My daughter, when she was two, she wants to help.

James: 00:36:48

She wants to help in the kitchen, and I'm cooking eggs, and it was a coil stove, you know?

James: 00:36:56

And the coil turns red, and she wants to help, and she's up on a stool, and she reaches over, and she grabs the red coils, and instantly, blisters are forming on her fingers, and she's screaming.

James: 00:37:10

And this my two year old, sweet little girl.

James: 00:37:13

And now I've let her touch the stove, right?

James: 00:37:17

Then she's touched the stove while I'm hugging her, I'm putting her hand underneath water.

James: 00:37:23

The last thing that she needs is for me to get in her face and start shouting at her and say, what the f.

James: 00:37:28

Were you thinking?

James: 00:37:30

We don't touch a stove, you stupid girl.

James: 00:37:34

That would be my own guilt that I would be extending onto her, because I would have felt bad and guilty about allowing her to touch that stove.

James: 00:37:44

And then because of my own guilt, I would have, like, externalized it and pushed it onto her, which then would have created shame in her that she's a stupid girl and she always makes mistakes, and then she'd have to prove to the world later that she makes mistakes and then make mistakes.

James: 00:38:00

So, without the guilt, I asked her to help me make breakfast because she wanted to help.

James: 00:38:09

Then she sees a hot stove.

James: 00:38:10

It's so fast.

James: 00:38:11

She grabs it.

James: 00:38:14

Could I have had some foresight?

James: 00:38:15

No, I didn't.

James: 00:38:17

I was doing my best.

James: 00:38:18

I was trying to be the best dad I could.

James: 00:38:19

My intention was not to harm my daughter.

James: 00:38:21

My intention was to empower her.

James: 00:38:23

And then she grabbed a hot coil.

James: 00:38:25

So she grabs a hot coil.

James: 00:38:26

She learns a lesson that's there's a consequence to mistakes.

James: 00:38:30

The mistake was a.

James: 00:38:31

Was a guiltless mistake.

James: 00:38:32

It was just an honest, curious mistake.

James: 00:38:35

Me having her help me make breakfast and then not knowing that this was gonna happen, that was also an honest mistake.

James: 00:38:42

I had a negative consequence.

James: 00:38:44

My daughter got burned.

James: 00:38:45

She had a negative consequence.

James: 00:38:47

She got burned.

James: 00:38:48

We both learned.

James: 00:38:50

So the next time she went to help me, she would see a red coil, and I would see it, and I'd say, we're not going to touch that.

James: 00:38:56

And she's like, no, we are not going to touch that.

James: 00:39:00

We both learned.

James: 00:39:02

We both got better.

James: 00:39:03

Right now, I have four kids, so three other kids behind her.

James: 00:39:06

None of them have grabbed a hot stove because I learned I didn't need to punish myself.

James: 00:39:11

Right?

James: 00:39:12

We can learn with the consequence, the consequences.

James: 00:39:15

Enough.

James: 00:39:16

We don't then need to punish ourselves and say, I'm bad, I'm stupid.

James: 00:39:20

I messed up.

James: 00:39:21

All that does is make us feel bad.

James: 00:39:23

And when we feel bad, we end up doing bad things to other people when we feel good about ourselves, like, ooh, that was a mistake.

James: 00:39:29

There's a negative consequence here.

James: 00:39:31

I'm going to learn from that.

James: 00:39:32

I am empowering her and me to feel good.

James: 00:39:35

Like, hey, we are smart enough to learn without punishment.

James: 00:39:39

And I really think that's the way God teaches us, is just through consequence.

James: 00:39:43

But this idea of guilt, though, man, it's strong in religion.

James: 00:39:46

It's like.

James: 00:39:48

It's really strong.

James: 00:39:49

And so it's hard to get away from this, that guilt is a good thing, but it really just harms us.

Jimbo: 00:39:57

What about fear?

Jimbo: 00:39:59

I think we talk a lot about having a fear of authority, of fear of something else and fear being with.

James: 00:40:07

Mm hmm.

James: 00:40:09

Yeah, no, fear could be all eight.

James: 00:40:11

Bad moods have a positive aspect.

James: 00:40:14

All of them do.

James: 00:40:16

However, we don't want to be stuck in any of them.

James: 00:40:19

So when there's fear, I say, thank you.

James: 00:40:22

Thank you.

James: 00:40:23

Okay, so, you know, if I'm getting too close to the edge of a cliff, fear comes over and says, if you slip, you're gonna die.

James: 00:40:30

And then you can't be a dada.

James: 00:40:32

So that's a positive thing, that the fear is there to protect me?

James: 00:40:36

Well, when I feel fear about anything, it's a positive thing.

James: 00:40:39

It's saying, it's something in me saying, you need to watch out.

James: 00:40:45

There's something you need to protect yourself from.

James: 00:40:48

What I talk about with fear is that if we don't ask ourselves, what are you trying to tell me?

James: 00:40:55

We don't say, okay, I'm feeling anxiety.

James: 00:40:57

I'm feeling fear show up in my chest.

James: 00:41:00

If we don't then say, what specifically am I afraid of?

James: 00:41:05

But we just say, oh, I'm feeling this anxiety in my chest.

James: 00:41:09

I don't want to feel it.

James: 00:41:10

So what I'll do is I'll just distract myself.

James: 00:41:13

I'll turn on the radio, I'll turn on the tv.

James: 00:41:15

I'll go consume some pornography, or I'll go get a drink, or I'll go do drugs.

James: 00:41:20

I just don't want to feel this feeling.

James: 00:41:21

And so I'll just, like, push it down and ignore it.

James: 00:41:24

Then it turns bigger and vigorous, like a shadow that we're, like, we're trying to shove stuff under the rug.

James: 00:41:31

Well, it doesn't go away.

James: 00:41:31

If it goes under the rug, it just more stuff accumulates.

James: 00:41:34

Until finally the fear could explode and we could have, like, a panic attack or even worse.

James: 00:41:39

And whatever we hold in mind, we tend to manifest.

James: 00:41:43

So if we have a subconscious fear that something's going to go wrong and we don't deal with it, we shove it under the rug, that thought will continue to be there.

James: 00:41:53

Something's going to go wrong.

James: 00:41:54

Something's going to go wrong.

James: 00:41:54

Something's going to go wrong.

James: 00:41:55

And guess what?

James: 00:41:56

We'll manifest it.

James: 00:41:57

It's the law of attraction.

James: 00:41:59

So when we feel fear, it's positive.

James: 00:42:03

Okay, just.

James: 00:42:04

Just an example.

James: 00:42:05

I was feeling fearful earlier this year my company wasn't going to make enough money.

James: 00:42:09

And I felt the fear, and I said, what specifically am I afraid of?

James: 00:42:14

And I said, I'm afraid that we might not make enough money.

James: 00:42:17

We won't be able to pay our bills.

James: 00:42:19

Like, okay, great.

James: 00:42:20

So thank you, fear.

James: 00:42:22

You're showing me that there's something that probably needs to be addressed here.

James: 00:42:26

The next step, once we specifically know what we're afraid of, is to say, what's one action I could take today that would improve my situation?

James: 00:42:33

Even small, was one positive step that would improve the situation.

James: 00:42:37

I'm like, okay, I'm afraid we might not make enough money.

James: 00:42:41

What could we do today that would help us get more revenue in and then take one step of action.

James: 00:42:48

As soon as we take a step of action in a positive direction, the fear subsides.

James: 00:42:54

But if we don't ask what it is and then we just ignore it, and then we don't take positive action, we end up taking negative action, which is distraction, and then the fear stays.

James: 00:43:04

So fear can direct our activities in a positive way, but if we don't address it, it can just be like, it can destroy us.

Jimbo: 00:43:14

So this has been an excellent interview.

Jimbo: 00:43:16

Are there any close or final words you'd like to give to the audience before I let you off here today?

James: 00:43:24

Yeah, Jimbo man, massive appreciation for you.

James: 00:43:27

I've been listening to episodes.

James: 00:43:29

You're so contemplative, you're so thoughtful.

James: 00:43:31

You're obviously highly intelligent, and you're a gift to the world.

James: 00:43:35

And then all those people that are listening to you.

James: 00:43:37

So it's an honor for me to be here.

James: 00:43:39

And, you know, if somebody is listening to your podcast and is looking for a second podcast to add to their repertoire, I talk about how to be happy every week on good Mood Revolution podcast.

James: 00:43:49

So that would be a really good way to connect and just add a second podcast into your listening.

Jimbo: 00:43:55

Excellent.

Jimbo: 00:43:57

You can check that out more in the links provided below.

Jimbo: 00:44:01

And yeah, thank you again for watching the Jimbo edition.

Jimbo: 00:44:04

I will see you all next time.